From Yelling to Connecting: A Positive Parenting Path

By Rose Degenhardt, MA, RCT, CCC

Child & Family Therapist | Founder, Venture Counselling & Therapy Inc.

No Mother Wants to be a Yeller!

We don’t hold our babies in our arms and imagine ourselves one day standing in the hallway shouting, “Put your shoes on for the 10th time!” or “GET OFF THE ROOF!”

But life is messy. And parenting—especially without support, especially with neurodivergent

children, especially as a young mom—can push us to the edge.

This blog isn’t about shame. It’s about understanding, healing, and doing better now that we know better.

My Story: Yelling Was Survival

I had my first son at 18. My second at 19. My third at 21.

I was still becoming a woman while trying to mother three very different boys. And oh, they were they brilliant, wild, and intense in their own ways.

My eldest son is autistic. At just 5 years old, he was reading the Encyclopedia of Human

Anatomy—fluently. I couldn’t pronounce half the words he was spitting at me, for hours, every single day. His brain never stopped, and neither did his need to share.

My middle boy had ADHD. I once found him standing on the barn roof. Not the deck. Not a

chair. The barn roof. I remember yelling, “GET DOWN!” before my heart even registered

what was happening.

And then there was my youngest—my neurotypical son.

He was steady and sweet, but in the chaos of parenting two neurodivergent children, he could easily get lost in the noise. He needed me just as much—but often in quieter, less urgent ways.

That broke my heart sometimes, because I didn’t always have the capacity to give him the calm presence he deserved.

It was overwhelming. I was overstimulated. And I didn’t yet have the tools I needed.

What I Know Now as a Therapist

Today, as a child and family therapist, I work with hundreds of families navigating big emotions, neurodivergence, trauma, and everyday parenting stress. I teach what I wish I knew when I was that young mom yelling over cereal and barn stunts.

So here it is, from my heart to yours.

Big Emotions in Little Bodies

Children don’t misbehave to make our lives hard. They behave in ways that express an unmet need or a dysregulated nervous system. When they scream, melt down, throw things, or backtalk—it’s usually not about defiance.

It’s about overwhelm.

Our job as parents isn’t to suppress their emotions—it’s to help them co-regulate. That means staying connected, calm, and attuned even when they are anything but.

What is Emotional Attunement?

Emotional attunement means meeting your child where they are emotionally, even when you

don’t like the behaviour.

• “You’re really mad right now, and that’s okay. I’m right here.”

• “You wish you could have that toy. It’s hard to hear no, huh?”

• “Your body is moving so fast—let’s find a way to get that energy out safely.”

You're not giving in—you’re tuning in.

Attunement doesn’t mean fixing everything. It means saying: You’re not alone in your big

feelings. I can handle them with you.

Play Therapy Wisdom: Connection Before Correction

In play therapy, we use the principle: connection before correction.

When a child feels safe and understood, they’re far more open to guidance. When they feel

dismissed or shamed, they either shut down—or escalate.

This applies at home, too.

Before asking a child to change their behavior:

1. Join them in their world.

2. Reflect what you see or feel.

3. THEN, guide or redirect.

Example:

Instead of “Stop yelling!”

Try: “You’re so frustrated. It’s okay to feel that way. Let’s take a deep breath together.”

How to Say No Without Losing Your Cool

You can set boundaries without yelling. It takes practice, patience, and a few go-to tools:

✅ Offer Choices Within Limits

Instead of: “Put on your shoes now!”

Try: “Do you want to wear your red shoes or your boots? You pick.”

✅ Use Calm But Firm Language

“No, we’re not having candy right now. We’ll have a treat after lunch.”

Then hold the boundary without engaging in a power struggle.

✅ Validate First, Then Redirect

“I know you really wanted to keep playing. It’s hard to stop. Time to clean up now. Let’s do it

together.”

✅ Take a Pause

If your body is revving up—step away. Deep breath. Reset. You’re allowed to regulate, too.

The Shift From Yelling to Teaching

Yelling teaches kids that control = power. Calm consistency teaches kids that boundaries =

safety.

I used to think yelling was the only way they’d listen. Now I know:

They always heard me. They just couldn’t process it through fear.

Today, I have a beautiful relationship with my boys—now young men. And while I wish I had

the skills then that I do now, I also offer myself grace. I was doing the best I could with what I

had.

And so are you.

What I Want Every Parent to Know

💛 You are not a bad parent if you’ve yelled.

💛You’re allowed to grow and repair.

💛Your child needs your presence, not your perfection.

💛And it’s never too late to start showing up differently.

If you’re struggling with big emotions—your kids’ or your own—you’re not alone. Venture

Counselling is here to support you with play therapy, parent coaching, and compassion.

Let’s raise emotionally healthy kids—without losing ourselves in the process.

In compassion and connection,

– Rose Degenhardt, MA, RCT, CCC

Owner of Venture Counselling & Therapy Inc.; Child Therapist