Caught in the Middle: Understanding Triangulation and Finding Your Way Out

By Rose Degenhardt, MA, RCT, CCC

Registered Counselling Therapist | Founder & Clinical Director, Venture Counselling &Therapy

Inc.

Posted: May 21, 2026

When Conflict Doesn’t Stay Between Two People

In relationships and families, conflict is inevitable. But how we manage that conflict makes all

the difference.

One pattern I often see in therapy—especially in families, co-parenting dynamics, and high-

conflict relationships—is something called triangulation.

Triangulation happens when two people in conflict pull in a third person instead of addressing issues directly with each other. It can be subtle or very obvious, but its impact is often the same: stress, confusion, and emotional overwhelm—especially for the person caught in the middle.

What Triangulation Looks Like

Triangulation can show up in many forms:

• A parent asking a child to pass messages to the other parent

• One partner venting to a friend and asking them to “take sides”

• A family member telling different versions of a story to different people

• A child feeling responsible for managing tension between adults

• Siblings being compared or placed in competing roles

At its core, triangulation avoids direct communication and creates relational imbalance.

The Psychological Impact of Being “In the Middle”

For the person placed in the middle—often a child, but sometimes a partner, friend, or family

member—the impact can be significant.

Anxiety and Fear

Being caught between two people creates tension. Individuals may feel like they have to choose sides or risk losing connection with one or both people.

Lowered Self-Esteem

When someone is repeatedly placed in this role, they may begin to internalize blame—believing they are the problem or that they must fix things.

Emotional Exhaustion

Carrying messages, managing emotions, or trying to keep peace becomes draining. Over time, this can lead to burnout.

Confusion and Gaslighting

Triangulation often involves mixed messages. One person may say one thing privately and

another publicly. This can cause the individual in the middle to question their own perception of reality.

Understanding the Pattern: Family Systems Theory

Triangulation is not random—it is part of a larger system.

The Drama Triangle (Karpman)

In triangulated dynamics, people often rotate between three roles:

• Victim – feels wronged or powerless

• Persecutor – blamed or seen as the “bad one”

• Rescuer – steps in to fix or mediate

• 
  

These roles can shift quickly, creating instability and confusion.

Parent-Child Triangulation

This occurs when a child is used to mediate adult conflict. It may involve sharing information,

providing emotional support, or being placed in loyalty conflicts. This is sometimes referred to

as parentification—when a child takes on adult roles they are not developmentally prepared for.

Intergenerational Patterns

Triangulation is often learned. If it was present in someone’s family of origin, it can

unconsciously repeat across generations.

Sibling Dynamics

Some families create roles like the “golden child” and the “scapegoat,” which can lead to

competition, resentment, and long-term relational strain.

How Triangulation Impacts Relationships

Triangulation prevents healthy connection.

• Lack of Direct Communication

Issues are talked about around people instead of with them.

• Shallow or Dysfunctional Intimacy

Trust erodes when communication is indirect or manipulated.

• “Flying Monkeys”

Sometimes, others are recruited to reinforce one person’s narrative or target someone

else. This can intensify conflict and isolation.

• Jealousy Triangulation

In romantic relationships, one partner may intentionally bring up others (ex-partners,

admirers) to create insecurity or competition.

Over time, these patterns damage emotional safety and connection.

A Personal and Clinical Reflection

In my work, I’ve seen how deeply triangulation affects individuals—especially children. Being

placed in the middle creates a level of emotional responsibility that is simply not theirs to carry.

And for adults, it can be just as overwhelming. Many people come into therapy feeling

confused, drained, and unsure of their role in relationships—only to realize they’ve been caught in a triangulated dynamic.

Awareness is often the first moment of relief.

Coping and Healing from Triangulation

Breaking free from triangulation takes intention and support. Here are some key steps:

Set Boundaries

You are allowed to say:

• “I’m not comfortable being in the middle.”

• “I think it would be better if you spoke to them directly.”

Boundaries protect your mental health and reduce involvement in conflict.

“Name It to Tame It”

Simply recognizing the pattern and calling it what it is—triangulation—can reduce its power.

Refuse to Carry Messages

You are not responsible for communication between others.

Strengthen Direct Communication

Encourage conversations to happen between the people involved, not through a third party.

Seek Professional Support

Therapy—especially systems-based approaches—can help individuals and families understand patterns and develop healthier ways of relating.

Moving Toward Healthier Relationships

Healthy relationships are built on:

• Direct communication

• Clear boundaries

• Emotional responsibility

• Mutual respect

When we step out of triangulation, we create space for these qualities to develop.

Final Thoughts

Being caught in the middle of conflict is one of the most emotionally exhausting positions to be in. But it is not a role you have to stay in.

With awareness, boundaries, and support, it is possible to step out of triangulation and into

healthier, more direct relationships.

Growth often begins the moment we recognize the pattern.

Sign-Off

With clarity, courage, and compassion for those navigating complex relationships,

Rose Degenhardt, MA, RCT, CCC

Registered Counselling Therapist

Founder & Clinical Director

Venture Counselling & Therapy Inc.

A Reflection for You

Where in your life might you be feeling pulled into the middle—and what would it look like to

gently step out?